Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
