Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
