I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
