So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
