Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
