You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
