Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
