Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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