Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
