i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
