1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
