Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
