genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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