my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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