I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
