Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
