My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
