i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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