Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
