Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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