Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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