Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
