I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
