She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
