woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
