It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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