when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
