Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's just like the Real World with babies
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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