There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i barfeds in our rink
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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