Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
