Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
