real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
