i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
