I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
