thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
