I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
