and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
