You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
