dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
