WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
