no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
