I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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