she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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