So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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