I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
