chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
