you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
