Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
