Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
