Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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